


Growing Up Trans (an abrevriated story of my life for anyone interested)

by Kitsune_Robyn



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Bullying, Cutting, IRL, Internalized Transphobia, Self Harm, Suicide, Trans, Trans Female, Transgender, Transphobia, attempts, non-fiction, rated teen+ for mentions of:, story of my life for anyone interested, trigger warning, tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 19:46:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12372771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kitsune_Robyn/pseuds/Kitsune_Robyn
Summary: After a few people on different sites wanted to hear my story, I decided I'll post it here and link them instead of repeating myself in pms over and over





	Growing Up Trans (an abrevriated story of my life for anyone interested)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a true story, and it's my story.  
> If you can't handle mentions of self harm, suicide, bullying or transphobia, I'm warning you now that this contains these

As far back as I can remember, I’ve always felt wrong, earliest memory I can remember involving these feelings is Kindergarten when I LITERALLY wished I was a girl. And from photos and accounts from my parents, I’m sure I felt this earlier than that, because I always wanted pink or purple clothes and my hair kept long. Anyway, these feelings made me super confused, and with how shy I am, I never approached anyone about it (ESPECIALLY since I was in a Catholic school). 

These feelings festered for the next 4 years, when I showed interest in things I knew were traditionally feminine but I liked anyway, my family always tried to talk me out of it… Then I vented my frustrations to my best friend at the time and let it slip that I feel that I should’ve been born a girl. He did not take it well, he started bullying me for years, he kept the reason to himself (thankfully) but it still hurt like hell and started me on the road to depression…

Fast forward a few years, his bullying and bullying from others (because I was a shy, anxious and reserved nerd) really took their toll, I repressed who I was in all but my most vulnerable times. No one in my family believed I was feeling depressed and just called me a hypochondriac, which took its toll a lot to. I was depressed and actually flunking in school even though I was a model student before this.. Doesn’t help I went from a grade 5|6 split class straight to a 7|8 split, but I could’ve managed if I weren’t depressed… Then half-way through the 7|8 split I had to move out of my childhood home to live with my authoritarian, petty, emotionally abusive and bigoted maternal grandmother who resents my mother for petty reasons, which I will not go too much into detail because it fucked me up… But the worst thing was, she was openly transphobic whenever stories about transpeople or drag queens ended up on the news… Let’s just say living with her would’ve been the worst around 3 years of my life, but something I’ll get into later was worse… And as a side note, this is when my WHOLE maternal side of the family started trying to police my masculinity, which pissed me off quite a lot...

One day, the summer before 9th grade, I was visiting my paternal grandmother and she caught me crying… I was feeling really REALLY dysphoric for the first time and my bottled emotions from living with my other grandmother just burst out… She tried comforting me, but couldn’t do much not knowing how I was feeling… she eventually coaxed it out of me that I feel wrong and that I should be a girl… I was expecting retaliation to that revelation, but she was kind and nurturing about it, which started to cheer me up and give me a little confidence in myself. I’d talk to her about my bottled up emotions and my dysphoric feelings regularly. My depression was dissipating and I was doing better in school. I started growing my hair out again and liking more feminine things more openly.

I moved out of my maternal grandmother’s a year or so later and things were looking up for me, I was less depressed, my emotions were not as repressed as before and I had someone who knew and loved me for me and not my facade… Then tragedy strikes and my paternal grandmother is diagnosed with cancer… And after a year long battle (with 2 bouts of remission), she dies… and about a month earlier, I had a REALLY bad day at school and I was visiting her with my family, I couldn’t vent to her privately in her new small apartment, and I just snapped because I was worried about her cancer coming back on top of dysphoria and a teacher physically assaulting me in a my word against hers instance, I just blew up and said “How is anything going to be okay, you’ve already had cancer twice, and knowing this fucking family, you will get it again!” Then for the first time ever, my father smacked me, it brought a sense of clarity of what I said and I just bolted and walked home… I never got to apologize to her before she died, because her cancer came back in her brain this time and killed her in a week… And my parents stopped us from visiting her in the hospital because she had lost all memory after 1982… AND she was cremated… So I never saw her again after my outburst… Not only had I lost a very caring family member, I lost my confidant… and the last time I saw her… I saw myself as being a little bitch…

This spiraled me into a really deep pit of depression and self hate… I started doing worse in school, I started alienating my friends, anxiety and paranoia started to become a daily part of my life… I repressed my dysphoria and feelings of the like, calling myself a freak for feeling this way and let them feed my depression… At this point I started cutting… But my parents caught me soon after I started… I went to see a counselor about it, but it didn’t help at all… And I just kept self harming in less noticeable ways… In grade 12, I attempted suicide twice, half-assed attempts, but they were attempts…

Then my parents forced me into college because they could help pay that year, which ended up being a mistake because my depression caused me to attempt again, this time more seriously… After failing that, I kept thinking about falling down the college’s stairs to injure or kill myself and did my school work to distract myself… But everything started to change when I found a little show called MLP Friendship is Magic, I actually enjoyed it, the first thing I enjoyed for more than just a fleeting moment since my grandmother died… And through this show I met a transitioning transwoman, and that let me unrepress my dysphoric emotions. Things were looking up for me, until I started slacking in my school work because I was enjoying things again… I flunked out after one semester and my depression came back with a vengeance, this time with bipolar and dissociative symptoms…

I lived like this for 5 fucking years, huge bouts of depression caused anger and self harm (so I didn’t physically hurt anyone else), these were the worst years of my life... I FINALLY went to get help, and after I started, this place helped almost instantly. I had another confidant, and they didn’t belittle my feelings like that counsellor did back in high school. I started on an anti-anxiety/depression med (both in 1) and the effects started working wonders. And with added confidence, I came out as trans to my confidant and then my immediate family soon after, they all take it really well (tho my family still have trouble using my name and pronouns, 2 and a half years later >.>), and things got a lot better. I learned to vent in nonviolent ways, thus lowering my self-harm incidents a lot over time (tho I still relapse), and to be myself.

And now I started HRT recently and told most of the family I still am in contact with (tho still not that witch of a grandmother) and they all reacted well. I’m actually truly happy for the first time in my life. I still get feelings of body and gender dysphoria daily, of varying intensities, but I'm trying to accept that this is my body and I have to learn to rock it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading
> 
> if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask
> 
> any hateful or troll comments will be hidden, and for hateful commenters, the user will be reported
> 
> BUT if the commenter is just uninformed but willing to learn, I will help


End file.
